A trawl through some of the darker corners of Britain’s sporting heritage

Imagine the scene: an autumnal Sunday evening in a sleepy Welsh market town; anticipation hangs palpably in the air, there is a rising sense of uncertainty, throats become tighter and dryer by the second. Not only is there the normal pre-match excitement but tonight is special - there is a new star on display. The player selection stage (accomplished by the traditional combination of coin-tossing, spoofing and shouting) is unbearably tense but I emerge triumphant - I have the new vet! No idea how good he’s going to be, at all. I believe he’s Tristram cousin or somesuch but I’m ready for it and I launch into song:

We’re on the march with Callum’s army
We’re going to the surgery!
And we’ll really shake ‘em up when we win the vet’s cup
‘Cos Callum is the greatest vetneree!

Cans are opened and immediately emptied. This one’s going to be big. The Tristram Farnham boot boys bide their time as a mighty roar of “Herriot! Herriot! Herriot!” rises from the back along with some rather unsporting murmering about the perils of having drawn Siegfried from the left; the theme music kicks in and one of the classic games of Veterinary Hooliganism is underway.

What’s that? You don’t know how to play the beautiful game? Okay, here’s how it works. Take a bunch of people (either men-folk or potty-mouthed girls who drink pints - the latter are preferred), a television set, a stack of beer-cans and a working knowledge of football chants. Whilst waiting for long-running, light-hearted veterinary drama “All Creatures Great and Small” to begin, divide the players into three groups of fans (four if you happen to know Callum will be along for a spot of guest vetting) and support your vet by any combination of chanting, shouting and missile-throwing that you deem appropriate. The method of division is entirely up to the players and should not in any circumstances be agreed in advance or it’s no fun. Experienced players will of course realise that Herriot nearly always wins ‘cos he wrote the books but Tristram is often worth a punt, and as we shall see later the boy Callum is something of a star. Siegfried is generally too tied up in the adminstration of the practice to get round to scoring any goals, which is a great shame because he’s every bit as good as Marco van Basten when he’s on form. Goals? Simple. A goal is scored every time an animal’s life is unequivocably saved by the vet - you don’t get anything for a spontaneous recovery - not in this game. There are a few more complex rules such as arms in cows being used as a surrogate count-back penalty shoot-out if it’s all square after 60 minutes but participants are generally encouraged to create and to squabble over such details while the game is in progress.

Now that’s cleared up we can get back to the big match - the 1989 UEFA Veterinary Cup Final. The Scottish lad has arrived on the Yorkshire vetting scene as a complete unknown but is set to rapidly make a name for himself. Tristram tries and fails to fix the farmer’s horse but Callum is there on the rebound with a lightning diagnosis and a clinical strike. Goal!!!!!! 1-0-0-0, Callum’s blue and white veterinary army are going at it to full effect; Tristram’s confidence is waning; Herriot is looking uncharacteristically subdued and Siegfried is having one of his more anonymous days. There can be only one result, surely. As half-time draws near, Callum approaches an ailing cow. He shoots! He scores! Two-nil-nil-nil to the Scottish boy! The crowd goes wild and things reach fever-pitch as the new signing steals the show and his silky skills lead us to an emphatic 4-1-0-0 victory (Herriot grabbing a late consolation piglet). Though many of us were unable to recollect the extended and passionate post-match celebrations the next morning, the match will live forever in the hearts and minds of all those who were present. One simply doesn’t see vetting of that quality everyday, Brian.

A not remotely weekly guide to new releases

I’ve just suffered yet another birthday so I’m in a nostalgic frame of mind, which fortunately for the good people at Warp records happens to coincide with a delightfully old-school release:

AFX/LFO EP Warp 12″ WAP 195

A limited edition of 2000 (boo!) and exclusive to Warp’s on-line retail outlet Warpmart - this would have seemed an ideal candidate for their forthcoming 200th twelve, featuring as it does offerings from two of the label’s most influential names. I have heard a rumour that these tracks will appear on the new Wipeout game soundtrack so maybe that’s the reason for the low key release. Either way, what you get is the sort of wonderfully twisted electronica that the label used to put out back in the day.

46 analord-masplid could sit quite happily on Drwqs or the Analord series - a good example of the sort of thing Mr. James does very well - by turns twitchy, paranoid, soothing and intense and generally rather difficult to describe. Naks 11 is a brutal Kosmik Kommando-esque slice of hard-centred acid poured over some inventive rhythm patterns.

Star of the show for me is the LFO (nowadays Mark Bell solo) offering ‘Flu Shot which could almost have been taken from their classic debut album Frequencies. That’s high praise, indeed, and I can’t wait ’til my neighbours go out! Pathfinder could be the love-child of bleep-house and gabba; extremely frantic but ultimately quite hypnotic.

In short, four tricky but highly worthwhile tracks on a nicely presented EP that remind me why I fell in love with Warp fifteen years ago.

[…]

via GYBO

requires QuickTime (or better, QuickTime Alternative)

I think naz will get a kick out of this

Aquaman
(1993)

Starring John Lurie, Tom Waits, Roberto Benigni and Screamin’ Jay Hawkins - Written and Directed by Jim Jarmusch

With this summer’s release of Batman Begins, directed by former indie darling Christopher Nolan (Memento), it makes sense that Warner Brothers release another film where they gave an indie director a shot at a superhero film, with results much more flawed. In this case, the director was Jim Jarmusch, and the superhero Aquaman.

A number of questions arise for me before even placing the Aquaman DVD in my Pioneer Elite DV-59AVi player. Why in the world hire Jim Jarmusch to make a superhero movie, and give him full script authority final cut on his first studio picture? Maybe more importantly, why Aquaman?

I can’t rightly say the actual movie answered either of my questions. Confounding, infuriating, and often unbearable, Aquaman has none of the quirky charm of Jarmusch’s earlier films, while also completely failing as an action film. It nearly takes boredom to a new level of art in and of itself.

The premise of Aquaman is quite easy and quick to explain: Aquaman, played by John Lurie, decides to drive cross country with his friend, Mark (Tom Waits) and Clark (Roberto Benigni). A half hour out of Los Angeles, their car breaks down on a side road in the desert. A quick walk to the gas station leads to a 60 minute conversation on what it takes to be a superhero, with slightly amusing interludes with eccentrics along the way. The film climaxes at the gas station, where the obnoxious and slightly insane gas station attendant (Screamin’ Jay Hawkins), the “villain” as it were, causes an unintentional fatality, placing our characters back on the road, but unsure of who they really are.

If I’ve made this sound exciting in any way I apologize. This is the most boring Superhero film I’ve ever seen. I mean, I thought The Hulk was the worst superhero movie but I was wrong!

Part of the problem, I think, is that Aquaman is such an unknown character in the first place that no one (not me for certain) even really cares about who he is, what is image is, or even whether he lives or dies. For a while, I wondered if the film was about Aquaman being inconsequential, but decided that wasn’t the point after the scene with the Girl Scout troop and the trucker.

Of course, Aquaman made no money, and Jarmusch was back making indie films, and superhero films, due to the failure of this one, Judge Dredd, and The Shadow, were shelved for a while.

Definitely avoid this one, even if only because you are curious. Even Aquaman fans will be disappointed.