“Do you have advanced Excel skills?” she asked.

“Sure.” I replied.

I learned some time ago to simply lie when the temp agency asks if I have a “skill.” Half the time, the “skill” has absolutely nothing to do with the position. The rest of the time, the “skill” in question can be aquired through a 10 minute perusal of the programs help file.

“Pay rate is $17 an hour.” she later tells me.

“Great.” I reply, lying again. This time I’m only kind of lying. While it’s true I made more then this fetching espresso for assholes 10 years ago, my last temp job was at the non-living wage of $13 an hour. So maybe great was the wrong descriptive, but it was certainly better.

I arrived sporting my monkey suit at 9:15 the next morning and I found out my assignment for the next 3 days.

I would watch a light.

It was explained to me that if a call came in, when the rest of the department was already on the phone, a light would come on at my phone. When the digital screen next to the light informed me that the light had been on for 90 seconds, I would take the call, saying in one fast breath:

“Davis* adviser sales desk all representatives are on the line would you like to continue to hold or leave a message?”

I would then perform their chosen request.

This would be my only responsibility for the next 3 days.

Three hours later I discovered the job was harder then it appeared. After 10 minutes of the light now coming on, I began web surfing, checking the light every minute or so. After an hour of the light not coming on, this interval increased to 5 minutes. Three hours later, completely oblivious to the light as I attempted to complete the expert level of Minesweeper**, I heard a voice behind me.

“Michael?”

It was my temporary boss, who only three hours ago had explained to me “the light.”

My head darted to the phone. The light had been on for 3 minutes.

“I just wanted to make sure you understood what you were doing and watch you and make sure you didn’t have any problems.”

When the call was over, she accepted my profuse apologies gracefully. A deceptively simply job had bested me.

* - Fake name

** - I’ve become a near obsessive compulsive about having the best score in Minesweeper on every computer that I sit down at for longer then 5 minutes. The fact that this can be erased by a simply click of the “Reset Scores” button does nothing to dampen this strange need I feel to piss my initials on every computer that passes through my life. Not really my initials, as when at “work” I use the name “The Temp.”

Source

LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) - Sacha Baron Cohen didn’t check himself before he wrecked himself.

The star of HBO’s “Da Ali G Show,” has driven away Todd Phillips, the director of his upcoming film, after playing a poorly received prank on a rodeo crowd.

Although Phillips cited the usual “creative difference,” Cohen’s antics for the opening sequence of his upcoming film that nearly caused a riot understandably soured the project for the director.

On Friday, Jan. 7, Cohen — masquerading as one of his “Ali G” alter egos named Borat, an immigrant from Kazakhstan who is documenting his tour of America — volunteered to sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” to kick off a rodeo in Salem, Virginia. In broken English, he prefaced his performance with incendiary comments such as “I hope you kill every man, woman and child in Iraq, down to the lizards” and “may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq.”

When he finally got around to butchering the anthem, which ended with the words “your home in the grave,” the crowd had heard enough. Witnessing the booing and angry gestures, rodeo producer Bobby Rowe escorted his Borat outside, where Cohen and his film crew made their getaway. Only later did the rodeo officials realize that their immigrant guest was actually a character fabricated by Cohen.

On “Ali G,” Borat is portrayed as a friendly foreigner who shocks his adopted country with highly inappropriate comments of a sexual or scatological nature.

Phillips will next head to his remake of “The Six Million Dollar Man,” starring Jim Carrey, while Cohen searches for a replacement director. The second season of “Da Ali G Show” will premiere on HBO in July.

END ARTICLE

You know, I thought of Todd Phillips as an ok creative guy. Old School and Road Trip are decent enough comedies after all. But it seems he’s missing the balls required to make really funny shit, or even anything above average. Oh well. Good luck to the Borak project, and may Todd Phillips one day find some balls.

This is clearly an extreme case, but this (no talent charlatans promising the world to enthusiastic/gullible P2P users) is something I’ve seen before a couple of times. Filesharing is great, but don’t let some clueless, egotistical fuckwad leech your time or money.

Here’s a great torrent site dedicated to mixes, you can get essential mixes, breezeblocks and other assorted sets: The Mixing Bowl

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