An email from a friend.

Hi, my name is I want my name changed.

I’m a stand up comedian who is trying to make it on the Irish comedy scene. It was comforting considering the crowd refused to clap me, apart from the diehards.. Since I’ve started on the rocky road of the comedy circle, I’ve experienced the whole spectrum: some great gigs and some horrible gigs. Just take one of my most recent gigs in Galway, Ireland. This gig was important because Ireland’s premier comedian Tommy Tiernan was MC for the night. The gig was a fundraiser for the Galway Rape Crisis Centre.A big gig on front of Ireland’s biggest star.

I was set for a real kick arse gig and had geared myself up in the toilet before hand. Everything seemed fine. The audience were primed for my juicy new material, which I had been working on for a about five minutes. I was confident my ad libbing would see me through with my new material. However, when I went on stage it just went down hill like a JCB carrying cement blocks. What happened next? Well basically I hadn’t taking into consideration the offence that would be caused by doing a repotoire of DICK JOKES. This comedy hole was reaching the earth’s core. It was soon gonna get really really hot. I decided to get to know the people in the audience a bit personal by telling them about my little ailment. Better known as the itchy bottom syndrome. Yes, I had worms on stage. So, I apologised for my nervous disposition. I then talked about how Sister Paul used to check me for them when I was kid. I wondered could she have raped me of my problem. Where were the rape councillors when I needed them. A guy in the audience didn’t like it, said it wasn’t funny. I said it wasn’t meant to be it was itchy.

Then the dick jokes hit in with a bang. I told them how great it was to be back in Galway on the fourth anniversary of my bilingual blow job, which was half in Irish and half in English. I even improvised on stage. They didn’t like it. I then moved on to talking about the best way of getting over male impotency. Yes, watching fat Irish girls playing “camoige” the male version of Ireland’s native sport hurling. A guy in the audience at that point lost it and said “You’re shit: get off”. It was the biggest insult I had ever received in my short comedy career. I had to come back with something decent. I told him he must have the best memory in the place. Why so? Well wasn’t that what your mother said to the doctor when you were delivered. He’s shit get off. Doctor cut the umbilical chord. This piece of slime is weighing me down. The hating started with a vengence. I guess these people had beeen raped on too many times. The next guy started on me. Again I was courteous to him and asked him what he had for breakfast? He said corn flakes. I then asked him why he decided to use his grannies piss instead of milk. I can smell your breath from here.

But it gets worse. His girlfriend then decided she would stand by her man by insulting my looks and clothes. Love, with a head like yours I wouln’t worry about getting raped tonight. The rape cris people were baying for my blood, but the tourists by the bar were in stitches. My exit was similar to a football player being sent off at the away teams ground. It dealt my confidence a severe blow. However, Tommy Tiernan said some nice things about me. Ya like how I worked part-time for the Rape Crisis Centre, as a telephone conseullor.

TITLE -
Police Academy: Operation Enduring Mahoney

CAST -
Steve Guttenberg (Carey Mahoney), Bubba Smith (Moss HIghtower), Michael Winslow (Larvell Jones), G.W. Bailey (Lt. Thaddeus Harris) , Bruce Mahler (Cpt Douglas Fackler), Cliff Curtis (Sheik Abdul Camelhopper)

PLOT SUMMARY -
Recruited to provide order in post-war Baghdad, the bumbling Police Academy gang run into more trouble, this time with a local tyrant Sheik (Cliff Curtis) & Lt. Harris (G.W Bailey) who is now apparently an army Lieutenant (!?).

DVD EXTRAS -
Disc One -
Anamorphic Widescreen/Full Frame, THX/DD5.1/Dolby Stereo, Commentary Track with Director Dean Bell and Actors Stephen Gutenberg and Michael Winslow, French/English Subtitles

Disc Two -
Interviews with Cast & Crew, Making of Documentary, Police Academy Poster Art Gallery, Music Video “High As Hightower” (Sung by Coolio), Bloopers & Outtakes, 65 Minute Documentary - “Police Academy - Laughing Through The Millenium”

MOVIE REVIEW -
Obviously a film rushed to release to cash in on current events, PA:OEM feels as slapped together as you probably initially assumed.

The biggest problem is the script, which completely ignores character development or any sense of reason in favor of a long string of nearly incoherent jokes. Where has Mahoney (Steve Gutenberg) been the last 3 films? Why is Lt. Harris (G.W Bailey) in the army now? Sadly, these and many other questions remain unanswered and help pull down an otherwise stellar series.

Here’s one example: In a scene that appears to be parodying “Blackhawk Down,” Mahoney, Hightower (Bubba Smith), and Jones (Michael Winslow) are saved from a downed and surrounded helicopter through Jones’ crazy artillery noises, this time amplified by a walke-talkie radio rigged to a speaker. This is the kind of script problem I am talking about. Where did the speaker come from? Why would a speaker be in the helicopter? The lack of thought or realism steals the life out of all the gags.

In another scene, Lt Bailey and his sidekick Fackler (Bruce Mahler) are on the run from a gang of evil Sheik Abdul Camelhopper’s (Cliff Curtis) men after a plot on Mahoney backfires against them. So they run and hide in…. you guessed it, a gay Iraqi leather bar. That part I thought was ok, but when it turns out Saddamn Hussein is in the bar and dances with Bailey well, that just crossed the line into not being realistic at all and so just isn’t funny anymore. I mean c’mon, that wouldn’t REALLY happen.

Though PA:OEM should be lauded for the boon of getting back the brilliant Steve Gutenberg to reprieve his role as the loveable clown Carey Mahoney, the film fails to deliver, mainly because of rushed plot holes and gimmicks like the ones I listed above.

DVD REVIEW -
Definitely 5 out of 5 stars. This DVD is a must buy for any fan of the Police Academy series. Aside from the beautiful transfer (the anamorphic widescreen looked fantastic on my Panasonic CR0874 Tiger Series) the THX audio was quite
simply fantastic. The gags may suck, but boy can you hear them brilliantly! At one point when Sheik Camelhopper gets his tanks blown up I thought my living room was going to explode! I can’t comment on the DD5.1 transfer, because as many of you know, I threw my 5.1 Decoder out over a month ago to make a statement on it’s certain obsolescence.

Regardless of it’s technical excellence, Disc Two of PA:OEM is a standout in what DVDs should contain in extras. The commentary track is quite insightful, though Michael Winslow’s refusal to speak dialogue but instead make his trademark wacky noises does grow grating after the first hour has gone by. But Steve Gutenberg’s comments on being Mahoney over the decades are fascinating, as are Dean Bell’s insiteful comments on what is physically transpiring in each scene.

What makes this DVD worth the $20 ALONE, however, is the brilliant documentary “Police Academy - Laughing Through The Millenium.” This doc was obviously given a lot of TLC by someone and it shows. Hell, the hysterical “Harris in the Horse’s Ass Over the Years” montage by itself makes the Police Academy: Operation Enduring Mahoney worth a purchase for any serious collector.

INSIDERS TIP!
If they are still available, make sure to try to get a copy in it’s special metal Police Car case, I hear they are only making 1,000 so they are clearly a must buy collectors item.

Ozzie bootlegger, DSICO’s site: featuring lots of interesting content and 2 nice tutorials that I don’t quite understand yet.

#1. How to make a bootleg
#2. DIY Accapellas.

After their forty days in the wilderness talking to the vegetation, The Driven played their first proper gig in Limerick since recruiting a new rhythm section last Friday May 23, in termites. Novo Castro, a group of young contenders from Newcastle West (the name, it’s Latin, clever clogs), were the first support act and they launched into their set like a drag racer, priming the crowd with high octane guitars and propulsion drumming. Tight like a virgin, their sound owed a little to Britpop with singer James Mullins having an air of Ian Brown about him. Which is no bad thing.

Next up was Nu-Clone, a South African band with the sort of industrial drone sound pioneered by the Velvet Underground and carried on by the likes of Interpol. Looking like escapees from the Hitler youth, they also did a decent cover of Gary Jules’ cover of the Tears for Fears song ‘Mad World’ popularized by Donnie Darko, the best film of the last year (if you haven’t seen it, kill yourself.)

And then, the main event; the club is filled now and my teeth are shaking a little as The Driven take the stage. They kick off with ‘Speed’ and as they rip into ‘Monkey in a Cage’ I feel certain the paint must peeling from the walls. But this isn’t any trash punk noise fest, these guys got the lyrics, the melodies and the beats to roll as well as rock; the whole front row of the club was actually dancing, when the last time you saw that at a rock gig? Lead singer Brendan Markham’s body is jangling as if there are 2,000 volts going through it, a slot machine about to hit the jackpot.

The new boys, Ivan Mulqueen on bass and Glen Cahill on drums, keep a fierce, tight rhythm going, while Darren Mullins is in the Johnny Marr/John Squire mould of melodic, aloof lead guitarists. Whilst his between song patter is restricted to the odd ‘Thank You,’ Markham’s stage presence is magnetic and as the band tear through their blistering set, the crowd take on a slightly dazed look as the ferocity of the band’s talent breaks over them in wave after wave. In the aftermath, with a dj playing a few tunes to try and calm us down, I approach an “upbeat” Markham telling I need a quote for the review;

“We’re gonna blaze a trail through this country the likes of which haven’t been seen since Brian Boru! How’s that?” Easy, boy, the leash will break. You’ve been warned, the best band you never heard of are out for blood and coming your way.