I remember an old Napsterites thread about rap music. Everyone said they hated it and such witty comments as “(c ) rap haha” were made. A lot of the accusations against rap were true (amorality, greedy, evil, misogynist), I guess. I love a lot of rap music myself not because I believe “it describes the true experience of the black underclass” or any of that bull. I like it ‘cos it’s musically inventive. I like rap ‘cos it gives off an air of arrogant menace like no other music can. I like rap ‘cos it’s interpreting other music(rock, drum n’ bass, house, rave, disco) and it keeps evolving. Now why bother with the Foo Fighters then? Take a pair of headphones and put a Timbaland or Just Blaze production and your head feels like there’s a game of pinball going on inside it. And this stuff is in the charts!?

I found writing an Eminem review tough ‘cos I feel like on the one hand I have to defend him and that he needs defending. Yeah, he’s vile but he’s interesting but it’s the conflicts and contradictions that and the most important pop star since Kurt Cobain. More important than Cobain ‘cos he’s a dissenting voice and chooses not to succumb to the womb-like existence of heroin abuse that killed off Cobain.

And another thing! A lot of people will tell you “oh mainstream rap is rubbish, you should check out Quannum or Company Flow, man”. For what it’s worth, there’s more wit and fire in Ludacris‘ “Rollout” than there is in the entire work of Quannum. Ludacris has a weird style. Imagine the way a character in a Tex Avery cartoon would rap. He’s full of infectious manic glee, laughably bad puns and a guy this obsessed with booty and pussy is highly commendable. “Rollout” is about a paranoid drug dealer. “Tell me who’s your weed man/ How’d you smoke so good/You’re a superstar, baby/Whatcha doin’ up in the hood?“. The production from Timbaland is wicked too with its samba trumpets, ravey bippidy-bip synths and that Dirty South bounce. Compared to Ludacris, Quannum’s lazy, affected drawl sound like fucking Roger Moore or a bunch of Ivy Leaguers. As for Company Flow’s “Funcrusher Plus” album, it speed babbles over you and when you happen to catch a word it?s something like “bio-mechular”. The production clouds over in a gothic industrial drizzle and is about as exciting as a weekend in Sheffield. The beats are farty and instead of rocking you, it just prods you in the ear with a limp dick. This is like the hip-hop version of prog rock noodling and for all it’s “We can do this, you cant” imagiastic wordplay, it’s got zero feeling. “Rollout” has got that triumphalism you get in tracks like “The last episode” and your chest swells up and makes you feel like THE SHIT whenever you walk in a room and hear it. As far as mainstream rap goes yeah the sentiments are iffy and at times ugly, but with music this fresh and funky, who cares?

Or maybe this is some adverse reaction to white, middle class guilt or something, huh?

So me and naz are sitting around at his gaff and he proclaims he’s going to make a death metal mix. P433R H1M! He’s working out his teenage trauma or some shit like that hehe. I mean death metal, c’mon! So I suggest that he download Slayer’s “Reign in blood” as it’s widely regarded in it’s genre (thrash metal not detah metal but hey..). So after doing straining, goofy voices to Obituary’s “Final thoughts” I settle down to listen to “Reign..”. It’s fucking deadly. I must be going through my metal phase 10 years too late or summat.

I think Slayer work in the same way as hardcore techno. Serious. The way everything just levels off and works into a groove with those tinking cymbals and then blam! blasts off into a riff like a bunch of satanic Keystone Kops running after you with ruddy big sticks. Instead of an E buzz, this is just pure adrenalin or like polishing off a bottle of Buckie in 5 mins and then passing out. There’s some grooves here for variation but mostly it just pummels you with it’s 90 mph whiplash guitars. And those solos! So preposterously frantic and scrappy it’s like Kerry King is trying to demolish the damn thing. You want lyrics! “You have no reality! Christianity! …Ignorant dependancy!” Yep, these guys aint happy, the world is fucked. At least that’s what it sounds like , the poor chap sounds like he’s got zapped by an elephant fence, so I’m not too sure what he’s on about a lot of the time. The riffs just burrow a hole through your head and leave your brain in a splattery mess. “Ripping apart! Searing flesh! Gouging eyes! Tearing limb from liiiimb!”. It’s got that same demonic deirium and evil fun you get off a good video-nasty. Intense and nihilistic- Put it up there with Captain Beefheart’s “Trout Mask Replica” and Flipper’s “Generic” as an exercise in rock extremism. It sure ain’t pretty but you gotta respect it.

JACK UZI’S EMINEM REVIEW REPOSTED BY ME

“I think that shit is fucking bullshit. Whoever put my shit on the internet,
I want to meet the motherfucker…”

Eminem

Oh no! Eminem is gonna bitch slap me! This guy here makes a good point.

There’s talk that this album is where Eminem has a new found maturity. “Without me” sounded like he was coasting it (fantastic video aside) at first but it’s grown on me and anyway it’s great when Eminem goes all Dennis The Menace and goes nyah nyah nyah over the neighbors fence. The Eminem Show isn’t as cathartic and dark as “Marshall Mathers”, for which we should be grateful…I couldn’t bear listening to another “Kim”. Although at the same time you’ve got “Cleanin’ out my closet” which is probably the most personal song he’s ever wrote. “My faggot father must have had his panties all up in a bunch/Cos he split I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye/No on second thoughts I fucking wished he would die”. The estimable Mr. Steadman once told me that “Eminem is only two steps away from Weird Al Yankovic”, but would Weird Al have lines like “I spit liquor in the face of democracy…Fuck Tipper Gore and the United States of embarrassment” like on the opening track “White America”?

He’s produced most of this album himself and he does a good job especially on “Square Dance” with its swooping synths and organic instrumentation (banjos and accordions) in the mix. “Square Dance” is the best song on the album, IMO. The lyrics are fantastic too..”Yeah you laugh until your motherfucking ass gets drafted/And you’re thinking the draft cant happen/Then you fuck around and get an anthrax napkin/Inside a package wrapped in Serran-Wrap wrapping”

The most interesting aspect of Eminem is that he’s a walking contradiction. He hates the media circus yet at the same time never shies away from putting EVERY detail about his tumultuous life on the album. I like his self-awareness in how he’ll let his guard down (”My insecurities could eat me alive”-Hailies song) and then when he gets aggressive again (“Superman ain’t saving shit, you can sit on Shady’s dick”-Superman), he knows it’s a front and the listener knows it’s a front. “I created a monster ‘cos nobody wants to see Marshall no more they wanna see Shady”.

On “Hailies song” (dedicated to his daughter), he attempts to sing and well, he’s a lousy singer but he just about pulls it off and it works in a I-know-I-cant-sing-but-bear-with-me way. Even when he gets lovey-dovey here it isn’t long until he’s lambasting his ex-wife again- “Why did I stick my penis up it?” He’s still the best rapper at the mo’, like on “My dad’s gone crazy”, he just goes off on absurdist flights of fancy and his rhymes flip-flop all over the shop. “What if I died and came back as Vanilla Ice’s son!?” The Eminem Show isn’t as good as Marshall Mathers but it’s definitely better than his first. I thought the new Elton John duetting, Movie starring Eminem was going to de-fanged but he’s most definitely not.

Audiogalaxy, who’s Satellite filesharing program has provided me and some 30 million others with rare and obscure tracks that I could never find on Napster (who just filed for Chapter 11), is being sued by those progressive minds in the RIAA. Shit.

Chris Morris made a rather controversial and very funny show in England concerning pedophiles. For a limited time I’m offering it here as a high quality stream (Part 1, Part 2) (for broadband users), a horrible quality stream (Part 1, Part 2) (for 56kers) or download the Divx (Part 1, Part 2) (best quality). You’ll need Windows Media Player if you want to stream.